RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
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*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
im 7 sauces long
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.