It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
You Might Also Like
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on