ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
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My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Not my job 😂
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My what?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo