I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
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Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking