Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
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I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.