Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
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#Caturday
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche