ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.