“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.