Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
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Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
you stereotypes are all alike
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.