Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
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The Bachelorette… but for cats.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Breaking news:
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever