Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
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My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Blew my mind.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Just parrot things
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.