I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Going to church you guys need anything
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]