This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
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ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.