9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
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The symmetry is uncanny.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.