Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
You Might Also Like
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace