Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
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if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh