sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
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My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here