I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
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Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
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I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.