If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
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Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
They grow up so quick
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.