I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
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Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.