Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
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Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.