I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
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Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
the battle rages on
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.