I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
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One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”