Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
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Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
had to share :’)
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*