When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
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[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Put a ring on it
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?