Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
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“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.