23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
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Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
this has to be peak English
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
3% human
97% stress
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity