Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Lassie, get help!
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.