I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
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Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Lmfaoooooo
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl