I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
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Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.