*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
You Might Also Like
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Body by sandwich.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee