I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
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Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.