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[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
True
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
A small tragedy.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂