Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
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Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Who.
Did.
This?
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.