Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
You Might Also Like
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me