Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
You Might Also Like
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.