Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
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Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
bugs when you lift up a rock
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.