Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
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Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Me sliding into hell like
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Ah yes. The three genders
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole