My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
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For when Tinder doesn’t work
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.