Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
You Might Also Like
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.