I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
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Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.