Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
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wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.