That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.