i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
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I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.