I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
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remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
every. time.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.