DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
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Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
the three branches of government
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead