Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
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Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Who’s your best friend?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Ken is short for chicken
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
man i love columbo
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.