The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
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Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.