Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
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Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.