“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
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Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Happy Thanksgiving
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.